Blog from Feb. 22 that never posted: My Heart Is Being Opened To A Whole New World

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I returned back to the Dominican in January and it has been such an adventure since that point. I haven’t really had time to Blog until this point. I just spent some time looking through the journal entries that I have written since my return.  I’ve experienced a plethora of emotions both good and bad.  I want to do something different for this blog and share with you excerpts from my journal. These are my thoughts that are raw and real in the moment in which they were written… I hope that they will in some way help you understand my struggle as well as my heart for this country!

January 8^th- A few days after my return. Prior to this point I struggled with being back in the Dominican and getting back into the daily grind, but the LORD is our all in all in every season of life.

“Here I sit at one of my favorite places. Right here on the water. It seems that here… the third world slips away. Here I am not tired, cranky, or selfish. I am. I am in the presence of the great I AM and nothing else seems to matter. My worries and anxiety about the future fade. My failures of the past no longer defeat me and I feel… fully HERE. Even though the wind blows, I do not feel shaken. I feel secure on my rock and refuge.”

January 11^th- Written in the moments when I did not feel like I had enough to be used and be effective in ministry.

“Today… I am so unfocused! My brain is moving in 100 different directions and I can’t seem to slow it down. It makes me feel crappy that I’m not getting things done. It even makes me feel like a failure… but then I stop and breathe and remind myself that this does not define me. These days when I seem to be useless, do not define me. My worth is from you and you alone… and although it may be an off day for me, it is not an off day for you! You never have days when you feel overwhelmed; you never have moments when you feel useless. You are perfect and strong, nothing takes you by surprise. And you live in me, so even in my weakness… you are strong. “Do you not say, four months more and then the harvest? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.” (John 4:35) Today, Tomorrow, May 2^nd… There is a harvest…I just need to look and ask you to lead me.”

                Those were small excerpts from my daily internal battles and the way that God slowly brought me back to himself. & honestly those are the things that I need to hold onto each and every day. My heart was broken when I returned back from the States to find out that the 5 beautiful sisters I had written about previously were taken away by protective services and placed in different parts of the island. My heart broke that as I fell in love with a little boy named Noel at Josiah’s House, he was taken away to live with an unknown Uncle. My heart broke as our group prayed with a dying single mother of six, who could only slowly nod her head as in agreement to what we had shared. My heart broke as I saw a child and his mother with festering burn wounds and the only treatment they were able to receive was the ointment we had given to them.  My heart breaks.

My point to all of this isn’t for you to simply feel bad for the people of the Dominican, or to think “Wow, look at what Meghan’s doing!” It is simply in hopes that you would wake up. Yes, we live in a world of very hope-less situations, but we have a God who is a giver of hope in all situations. We have a God who makes beautiful sunsets and sunrises. He made the ocean and the mountains.  Just as much as I see how harsh this world can be, I see how great God is. I may walk into homes with dirt floors and tin roofs, and no running water, but I see joy on their faces. These are people that may have nothing by the standard of this world, but it only takes a few short moments to see they have a joy that no one can take away & they have a peace that even the roughest of storms will not break. Today, I ask you to respond in a very simple, yet powerful way… pray. Pray for the situations I have mentioned above. Pray for my heart and that God would continue to give me strength. Pray for my fellow GAP students and the missionaries we work with. Pray and remember that hope is real. Love is real… you just need to wake up and open your eyes.

 

A Call To Live With A Purpose

Walking the streets of a broken village, and yet something about it feels like home to me. The smells of the Dominican, the consistent dirty feet from the unpaved roads, the sound of the word “Buenas!” and the sight of a smile from a stranger, it all seems like home to me. As much as I long for my friends and family in Buffalo, I long for this time in my life to continue.  I will miss the weekly visits with Cinthia, Diahana, and Hedi. I will miss teaching Arlenis her numbers and losing at the game of “Memory”. I will miss Claudia’s hugs and Delianna’s surprised expression that I can speak a little bit of Spanish with her. I will miss my boys from Josiah’s House; who seem to know how to make me smile more than anyone else. I need to pause this thought. I am here. I am sitting right now in my bed in the Dominican Republic. How often do we think about the future and forget to live in the present? How many times do we say, “Well, next week….” Or next month, or even next year?  I don’t want to forget to be present. I’m beginning to realize that I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s next and I pray that when I take my last breath, I gave all that I had to that last moment on this earth. My time in the Dominican is not over, and when it does come to an end, I will be living out the same goal, just in another country with different people.  I want to love with a bold Jesus like love. I want to see people’s lives transformed. I want to see needs and help meet them.

Thank you all for your prayers and support! This past month has been full of adventures, laughter, and at times tears. I’ve jumped off waterfalls, I’ve helped translate, I’ve prayed with hurting people, I’ve even turned another year older and I’m surprised that even though I have been in the Dominican for 8 months, I can still see everything with fresh eyes and a new perspective. This is because I know my time here is not forever. How often do we go through the motions of life because we believe it has become mundane and repetitive? We stop looking, stop listening, and we stop sharing. We stop sharing our hearts, our hopes, our dreams. There is a sang that is often said at my home church in Buffalo “Do life together.” I believe that the only way we can truly “Do life” with one another is by taking into account the brevity of life. Every moment counts. Breathe in and breathe out. Be thankful and love deeply. Please don’t let this day slip away without seeing the beauty within it.

 

My heart aches for you... America.

I have been back in the United States for exactly a week. They warned us that there might be some culture shock; they said there may be some things that really catch you off guard. I thought it might be wise to avoid the crazy malls, because seeing people spend thousands of dollars on toys might be painful after seeing starving children. BUT there is one thing that I can’t seem to avoid. One thing that continues to punch me in the gut and make me grieve for this nation and that is the media.

I want to start by saying that I normally avoid topics of controversy on the internet because it only takes one word to be misread and then people get offended. I’m not here to offend anyone; I just want to give a different perspective. The majority of what I have seen posted about Cop violence and now Civilian violence, has been full of hate. & somewhere along the line each one of us was deceived into believing that this hatred would produce a positive change. That this hatred would drive out the hatred of others. Buddha had it right when he said “Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.” America, if we continue to follow the eye for an eye mentality, we will all end up blind. It seems that many of us have already become blind, but not because someone made you that way, only because you chose to hate.

I am reminded of a story written in the book of Genesis. There were two brothers they both brought their own sacrifices to God. The Bible says, that God looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but did not look with favor on Cain and his offering. (Many have studied this text and believe it is because Cain’s heart was not in the right place; he gave some of what he had, whereas Able gave the best of what he had.) The story goes on to say that Cain became very “angry”. In verse 6 &7 of chapter 4 God speaks to Cain and says this “Why are you so angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, BUT you must rule over it.” Cain was given a warning. He was told that out of his hatred would come sin, but he did not listen, and instead killed his brother. This is the first account of murder recorded in the Bible and there were consequences for his actions that not only affected him, but his entire family.

America, your hatred, in its many forms, is only leading to more pain. Hatred is constantly knocking on your door, through media and other outlets, you must control it, and use that strong emotion to lead you to another that is even stronger… love. How many more hurting families? How many more deaths… till you realize all your posting, ranting, shooting, and destruction will only end in vain? Stop spreading hate, and start spreading love. Stop posting, and start praying.

“Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love.” –Francis of Assisi

Home Sickness, BUT I’m Not Walking This Bridge Alone

I promise that by the end of this blog, you will understand why I choose the title of it; hang in there, I promise it will all come full circle. This past weekend the GAP team had the opportunity to spend four days in the mountains working with two of the local villages there. We did some cleaning projects as well as two children’s programs. The programs were a huge success! I have been involved in programs like this, even when I came to the DR last year, but this was the first time I participated in one that was completely in Spanish; we didn’t use a translator.

After one program I began to speak with a young girl and she shared with me many different things. The whole time I was praying because I wanted to be able to continue to speak to her and understand her. The language kept coming and it was probably the longest conversation I ever had in Spanish. It was great to begin to build relationships with the people, because there is a possibility that we will be able to return to the same villages in the spring. The kids were very receptive to the message we shared with them, and seemed to understand the importance of not putting their joy into to earthly things that can be taken away. As I walked through the poverty, I realized that many of them live in hopeless situations, and this is why the love of Christ is of great importance to them. It was so encouraging to see how God used my teammates to share real joy with these children. We all have different talents, but they came together perfectly, and within that we were able to express genuine love to these people.

This week we have a little bit of a break for Thanksgiving. There are no classes and it is a time to recuperate and refuel; with that comes the realization that I will not be home for Thanksgiving. With that comes some painful memories of an eight year old girl. As many of you know, Thanksgiving is a tough time for my family and I must say that it has been difficult for me to not be with them for the first time since my brother and sister went home to be with Jesus. I’ve cried a lot over the past few weeks. This weekend was good because it took my mind off of things, and when the sadness begins to creep in, I try to think about the weekend and smile because I cannot forget that I am exactly where God wants me.

Well… sometimes I do forget. Sometimes I get tired. I’ve said from the beginning that I want this blog to be a real expression of my time here…the good, the bad, and the ugly. About an hour ago I sat down on the bathroom floor (The only place where I get enough service to Skype) and called my family. It was so nice because my brother, mom, and dad were all home, this has only happened once since I’ve been here. I was so happy to see them all, but we barely got a greeting out and boom, the power goes out. This is not an abnormal event, we lose power all the time, but emotional, homesick Meghan did not want to think rationally. So what do I do? I sat on the floor and cried. Actually, crying might be an understatement, I sobbed. Just picture this for a moment, 6ft 1 Meghan curled up in a ball, crying on the bathroom floor. That was quite a sight for my roommate to see as she walked up the steps. & how does she respond? She sits down on the toilet, rubs my back and just begins to pray, that is exactly what I needed in that moment. I felt alone, but I wasn’t.

Flashback… Sunday morning in the village, it happened. That moment when you do something and think “I would never do this in America!” In order to get to the poorest part of the village, we had to walk across a bridge. This bridge belonged in an Indiana Jones movie or something. It was a swinging bridge, with broken pieces of wood, and it seemed like with every step you took a little bit of a risk. But when I looked in front of me, or behind me, I saw people I loved and that brought me a lot of comfort. It brought me comfort as we swung, back, and forth, suspended over water, that I was not alone. And I’m not alone now. With all these emotions jumbled up inside of me, I’m not alone. I have people here who love me, but even in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, God is right there. In the darkest of nights, in the deepest of valleys, on the most rickety bridges, God is there. His love is the fuel that keeps me going.

This week, as you reflect on the things you are thankful, be thankful that you’re not alone. Be thankful that God is there and His love is great. Be thankful for the people near and afar. Love a little more. Give a little more. Give thanks.
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

 

Just One: A Reason to Keep on Going

                We have risen up people in American who are consumed with being the best. If I’m a teacher, I want my students to have the highest test grades. If I’m a musician, I want my band to have the most sold out shows. If I’m a Politician, I will say and do all that I need to, to get the most votes. Even churches are consumed with having the largest congregation.  Some of our dreams for excellence are not bad; they are not all evil or formed with bad intentions, but answer me this… have we lost something in the midst of being consumed with results? Have we looked at certain jobs, tasks, and even people, and laughed simply because they seemed worthless, or below us?

                I came to the Dominican Republic with the hopes of making a visibly large impact. I wanted to leave this program thinking, “Yeah, I rocked that.”  I have quickly come to realization that this is not the case. I have been knocked down and humbled in huge ways, and I’ve never felt… so alive. I’m not alive because I realized that I am unable to save the Dominican, but I’m alive because I have been reminded of two very important things: 1.Every person matters. 2. My strength alone is not enough. I need God’s help in every season.

                I am currently working with 5 students at Emanuel House; 4 boys with their letters, and 1 girl with numbers. All of these children would be in 2^nd grade in the states. They are extremely behind grade level due to poverty conditions and possible undiagnosed disabilities.

                I’ve shed a lot of tears in the Dominican. To many of you this isn’t a surprise, when I’m moved by something I cry. I cry mainly for the reason that I am unable to express in words what my heart is feeling.  These can be tears of happiness, as well as tears of sadness. My tears, these past few months, have been for many different reasons, but a few weeks ago I was crying pretty consistently because I felt like there were so many needs around me, and I was unable to meet them.  I came to the Dominican with the American mentality that I knew what was best, and I would fix any problems that came my way. I not only thought in this way, but I was allowing it to define me and my effectiveness here. The tears I cried were of failure. Why did I feel like a failure? Because I lost sight of the importance of life.

                My time here in the Dominican is not defined by numbers. It is not defined by me being “The Best” at what I’m doing. I’m throwing that junk out the window. Just one. If I can help just one child, if I can love just one child, if I can make a difference in just one child’s life, it will all be worth it. The smile I see on Arlenis face when she finally recognized the number 6, the hugs I receive on the playground that last for what seems like hours, because they just don’t want to let go, this just make it’s all worth it. We have no idea how far our actions today will move through the generations. I have no idea how the impact I have on even one child’s life will affect the people, the neighborhoods, and the future of that child’s life. I don’t need a result today. In fact I don’t ever need to see the result.  I can trust and believe that even the smallest bit of light invades the darkness in a fierce way.

                I’m learning another important lesson, and that is that God’s strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. When I get tired, and crabby, He is enough. When I can’t remember how to say something in Espanol, He is enough. Just as one is enough, He is enough to get me through every trial and situation.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

 

Update On the Following Weeks:

-          This weekend I will be staying in a village. Pray that God will work through me and the other three girls who will be staying there!

-          I will be beginning consistent ministry at Josiah’s House (An all boy’s orphanage) Pray that God will give me wisdom as I will be working with a few boys with some behavioral issues.

-          I want to begin teaching English to some of the women who have been rescued from sex trafficking. Pray that I will find time to do this, and do it well.

-          Continue to pray for me at the Emanuel House as I do my best to help my students succeed.

-          Pray for the Dominican as a whole and our team!

-          Thank you all for all of your support! Love ya all!!!

**** Take some time to love and pour into the people in your life. Make a change. Remember every person counts, every person matters.

Beauty From The Ashes

I write this with a heart full of emotions. The things I have experienced and learned within the past couple of days have been life changing. For most of my life, I’ve felt like there was so much I understood in the world, maybe not understood, but at least was aware of. I was wrong.

For the first time since I’ve been in the Dominican I spent a night outside of the GAP apartments. I spent Sunday night at the school (Emanuel House) I will be working at every Monday for the rest of my time here. I really wish I was a stronger writer so that I could accurately paint a picture of what this time was like. I experienced times of joy, sadness, laughter, confusion and with each emotion there was a movement in my heart. There has been movement in my heart since I walked off that plane on August 26^th,  but much like when a seed is planted underneath the soil, you can’t see its growth until it breaks through the soil and reveals itself. My heart has been broken, and it has changed me.

I wrote the above two paragraphs a week ago. I couldn’t bring myself to continue writing because the emotion was too much for me to convey at that moment. I honestly believe that if I would have attempted to explain what was going on in my heart, none of you would understand. Now I am ready, not only because I have had time to work through the emotions, but because the time I spent at Emanuel House this week has been an encouragement in many ways.

The first week I was at Emanuel House, I met five beautiful sisters. The oldest is 13 and the youngest is 5. These girls were full of life. Full of energy and laughter, it was hard not to smile when they were around. One of the sisters who is 10 went to school for the first time that day. Later she sat on my lap for almost an hour looking at a book. She is hungry for knowledge and up to this point has never had the opportunity to go to school. It wasn’t till we were on our drive home that I heard their story. Their mother had been fighting cancer for over a year, their dad was not in the picture, therefore it was the older girl’s responsibility to help take of their other siblings, and mother as she lay on her death bed. Their mother recently passed away, and now dad is back in the picture. I will not go into too much detail, but these young girls are often found walking the streets by themselves in a community where rape is common. It is also assumed that they are given little to no food, except for the food they’re given at Emanuel House. My heart broke and breaks even now for these beautiful girls because they are at great risk for harm. I spent a lot of time this past week praying and asking God how He could allow this to happen. I was reminded that we live in a corrupt and sin infused world, and it literally made me sick.

One day as I was praying and reading my Bible, I read Psalm 33. In the latter half of the Psalm it talks about God seeing and knowing all who live on earth. Verse 19 stuck out to me, it says “to deliver them(those who hope in His love) from death and keep them alive in famine.” I can’t fully explain why this verse had given me a peace and hope about the girls’ situation, but I have taken note that it does not say God will keep us from famine, but will keep us alive in famine. Since we live in this world, we are affected by the sin of this world, but God is victorious. We may not see it in the darkness of our circumstances, but we will see it in the light of eternity.

As I went to Emanuel house for my second overnight Sunday, I was pushed beyond my comfort zone and shown the strength of the LORD. I wrote in my journal that night something that God would fulfill the very next morning! This is what I said “God help me to move out of my comfort zone and be completely used by you! Please be my hands & feet. Be my mouth & speak kindness and love. You have called me to love the broken, I am also BROKEN. But you, Mighty Savior are not!”

I woke up Monday morning and at 8am went to the special ed classroom that I helped out with the week before. I quickly found out that the classroom teacher was sick and they had no replacement. So, I, the American with extremely limited Spanish, was given the task of teaching! This is the only school in all of the area that has a special needs program. Emanuel House is a beacon of hope for all of its students, that come from the poorest and roughest areas of Quisqueya; when I say these children have nothing, that is quite literally what I mean.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement, but I made it through. After the first session of school was over I went upstairs to the room that I stayed in and cried. I cried because I had the opportunity to do something that God put in my heart 15 months ago, and that was to teach in the Dominican Republic. These children with special needs face even more odds than the average Dominican child because they have disabilities in an uninformed country where they are literally treated as outcasts with no potential. Hope. Hope that even in this corrupt and dark world, God’s love is shining so bright and it has the ability to reach the darkest of corners. 

I just want to take a moment and thank you all for your support! Thank you, although some of the situations I have encountered here are heart wrenching, there have been so many positive experiences as well. God is working and moving. He is good. Life is still beautiful. As Anne Frank said, “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”  Today, be a difference maker; a world changer.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

 A flower a student is gave me!

Be Present, Be Here

Our lives are strung together by moments. We experience moments of joy, sadness, laughter, & tears. Then, there are moments when every worry ceases and you become fully present. Fully present; how many of us know what that really feels like? I know what it is like to be distracted. I know what it is like to be worried, but fully present? That can take a lot.

We started classes this past week, and let me tell you, it can be difficult to be fully present after the second hour of Spanish instruction when you know you have two more hours to go. It can be difficult to not get distracted when you’ve gone through 60+ flashcards of Spanish words 3 times and yet you still can’t remember the Spanish word for “likewise” (Igualamente). Now granted these classes are needed for me to be able to assimilate into the culture and also to communicate with the Dominicans, but in the midst of this language barrier, it can be frustrating and tedious. I will share with you the one thing that keeps me going, the one thing that motivates me to try and “roll my “r”s one more time”, it is the moments when being fully present, is as easy as breathing, because I am being transformed by the people in front of me.

I had much anticipation of the bus ride to Quisqueya. I believe that it is within this city that I fell in love with the Dominican last August.  Something in my heart began to stir as we drove down the long narrow road into the city; flashbacks of me looking out at those same fields, with tears rolling down my cheeks because I didn’t want to say goodbye. In the present, I was excited because I knew there would be no need for “Adios”, instead I could say “Hasta Pronto” (See you soon!) As the bus pulled up to the Emmanuel House, a local school that we will be working with, I was present, really for the rest of the day I was present; taking in every sight and sound. Learning about the school and how it functions was amazing! Most of the students who receive an education at Emmanuel House, are unable to attend other schools due to poverty and home life. Students with disabilities are bused into Emmanuel House from long distances because other schools will not service them. I felt the purest sense of hope as I looked at the pictures of all the beautiful children who attend school there, proudly hung on one of the classroom walls. Without Emmanuel House many of these children would never have the opportunity to be educated, but there is hope.

We then took some time to walk the streets of Quisqueya. I had mentioned in a previous blog about my trip last August and the opportunity I had to pray with a mother whose son was recently put in jail because he killed his cousin. This was an emotional time for me last year because there was such a sense of heaviness and pain in that house. As we approached this same house and I saw the mother sitting on the porch, smiling, tears filled my eyes. As we spoke with her, I discovered that her son was still in jail, but it was evident that she had a peace that was lacking this time last year. Her circumstances had not changed, but something in her heart did. In this moment I was completely present and surrounded by the faithfulness of God; she found comfort in her Saviors arms.

In one of the last houses that we went to, I met a girl who was 15 and unable to go to school because she has no birth certificate. She desperately wants to learn, and help her mother provide for her other siblings, but there is little she can do without an education. This moment, this moment, as I looked down at the dirt floor of their very tiny home, this is the moment when I wished things could be different. To be honest, this is the moment when I said “God, why?” & in the same breath said “Your ways are better than mine, you will provide.” See, I do not know what is next in this beautiful girl’s story, but I do know that I will pray, and if it is possible, I will help, but even more importantly, I know that God loves her more than I possibly ever could. I will trust.

As I reflect one the stories I have written above, I feel God comforting me and showing me his faithfulness. Yesterday I was able to visit an all-girls orphanage called Pasitos De Jesus. I spent 4 days at this orphanage last August. There were a few girls who remembered me, and greeted me with big hugs; it was beautiful. We laughed and played with the girls for a couple of hours. They all are so happy and full of life, it wasn’t until I stopped and looked into their eyes that I remembered they all have stories. Stories that are filled with pain and abandonment. Many of them left on the streets with no one to take care of them, but then one day their lives changed, and they received shelter, clothes, food, and… love. Just as their stories went from bleak to filled with hope, so can the story of a young 15 year old girl who desires desperately to better herself, but currently has no means to.

My heart in writing these blogs, and sharing with you all some of the deepest parts of my soul, is not that you would think “Wow, Meghan’s doing such an awesome thing.”, but to give you all hope. My prayer is that we will wake up each day and confidently face any trial. My prayer is that we would wake up and not only see the needs in this world, but do our best to meet them. Please take some time to pray for me and my fellow Gappers, but take even more time to pray for the people of the Dominican. Thank you all for your support and kindness, continue to share that kindness with the many people you come into contact with throughout your day. Be there, be real, be present.

~Meghan Elizabeth